What do I really long for?

A good well-deserved rest?

Hmm, I kinda feel caught in between. between one side of me, and the other side of me. really. I'm asking myself why too.. These few days, I've been feeling so lost, tired, and lonely. lost in this new and highly competitive environment, prob. not my kind coz I think I'm an like animal from another habitat, trying to adapt in a new one, which ironically was one that I had fought and longed to be in since Day 1; Tired from the work that seemed never-ending and the many times I failed to overcome tiredness..; and lonely, coz i feel I can't find anyone whom I can really tell every single thing to.. but myself. and my mind is bursting with all those thoughts in my head. yet because of this I thought I know myself best. But I seem to be so wrong... I don't really know what I want..

Think I spend a lot of time being alone, thinking. Tried to find a formula to divide my time equally.. on the right side of the equation is 24hrs x 7 days. On the left side are tutorials, projects, time spent in school for lectures and tutorials, bball, track, block comm, bizcomm, meals, slp/rest, friends, family, myself. doesn't seem like a lot, but I think I'm doing a really terrible job in balancing this equation. and because the variable on the right side is fixed and cannot be changed, I compromise on the left side, mainly, the last 4 items. I spend significantly less time with my friends now.. and I also spend less time at home. 2 full weeks away from home made me so home-sick like never before. I think that was the longest time i've ever been away from my family.

I also wonder why I feel so tired everyday, that the time i spend studying always kinda doubles coz half of it is unproductive (impairment loss). and it's not like I'm doing really well, coz I think I'm a slow learner who needs more time than others to catch and understand stuff. but the pace that everyone else moves on is just too fast for someone like me.. most of the people around are either from elite schools, or are the foreign talents that the govt. invested in. Then among the crowd of geniuses is me.. nowhere near but fighting real hard! the sad thing is not everyone is willing to help and share when they're up there, struggling to get higher up the ladder. man I feel so cynical.. I think I should stop... Is there really a need to put aside Hall activities and other stuff, coz I prob. can't afford the kind of lifestyle the smart people lead? lol.. I'm really considering that..feel so overloaded. but I wanna wait.. I don't know why.. just wait to see if I can grapple with all these difficulties in the next few weeks coz I'm still trying..

so a part of me tells me everything that my mom tells me. You should give up your activities.. sleep early every night.. you're still on med..health is most important.. while the other side of me tells me to keep on trying.. to finish this amt of work by a certain time/date. hmm.. which part of myself do I heed?


on a random note.. I feel like gg to the sea-side! not trying to be an emo-kid.. but I just miss the sea.. :)

and I so miss JC days and the people who formed my memories of it.